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The Friend Crush: Is This Love Or Friendship?
He’s your good friend. She’s your best confidant. You have knowneach other for a few years and have shared meals, movies,hobbies and vacations. You have confided to each other aboutyour latest love interest and turned to one another for supportwhen the relationship(s) failed. You can’t imagine life withoutyour good friend. But for a while….You’ve felt jealous of his dates. You’ve been overprotective ofher since she has been seeing the jerk. You’ve been having verystrong feelings of attraction and a desire for something morethan friendship. Could it be that your feelings for him/her havegrown into something more? If so, your relationship may havedeveloped into a “friend crush”.You don’t know what to do. You know you want to continuespending time together- more time. But it’s getting hard. Youfantasize about having more with this person and are beginningto feel like a jealous would-be partner. Do you pretendeverything is the same? Do you start distancing yourself- hopingyour feelings will go back to the way they were? Do you actuallyTALK directly and honestly with your friend about how you feel?What will happen to the relationship if you make the WRONGchoice?Just as all people are unique, so are the characteristics oftheir relationships with others. There is no one-size-fits-allanswer to this increasingly common dilemma. So, let’s take alook at your options. You can:* ignore your feelings, keep your boundaries in check andpretend everything is status quo In order to choose this option, you must be able to deny yourfeelings so well that even you don’t know what they are. Youwill also have to continue being comfortable on the sidelineswhile someone else has the relationship with this person thatyou desire. You will most likely be asked what you think of thisor that person and be expected to be happy and supportive ofyour friend when they meet the right someone for them. In returnfor all this, you will still have your friend.* begin to spend less time with your friend (crush) whileseeking out new friendships to pursue and strengthenThis option will most likely cause confusion and hurt on thepart of your friend who will wonder what happened. They may beunderstanding and accepting of your need to spread your wingsand support you in doing what you need to do. Either way, youwill see less of them and your relationship can weaken andperhaps disappear altogether as they move on with new people. Ifyou can distance yourself for a while and no longer feel theromantic butterflies, you can always give them a call and may beable to pick up somewhere near where you left off.* continue the relationship with your own hidden agendas – adesire for romantic intimacy and the hope that the person willrealize that they feel the same way If they become involved with someone else in the meantime, youcan work to sabotage their new relationship or you can leavethem wondering where all your anger and hurt feelings are comingfrom. You can spend a lot of time and energy handling it thisway, without anything to show for your efforts but the loss of agood friend.* have an open and honest discussion with your friend regardingyour new feelings for them This is the choice that seems to be the hardest for folks tomake. Often what I hear from people in this position is thatthey fear “ruining the friendship” if they discuss theirfeelings honestly. While this is a very understandable concern,it isn’t well thought out. It is emotional, not rational. Lookagain at the other options. Every one will bring about a changein your current friendship.Why?Once your feelings have changed, so does the relationship.Ignoring them, hiding them or distancing yourself will lessenyour closeness and the positive dynamics that flow between goodfriends. You can’t go back. You need to decide how you want tomove forward or if this is an option for you. . It is alsopossible in choosing this option that you will learn that theyhave similar feelings for you that they were afraid to reveal.Therefore choosing this option could result in romance and alove relationship based on true friendship.Intimacy exists in all close relationships. It is the ability tobe completely open and vulnerable to another without fear ofharm or rejection. So, by definition, we cannot be intimate withanother while hiding or denying our true feelings and needs tothem.The choice will always be yours. Choosing wisely is about reallyknowing the options, the consequences they bring and what willbe best for you and your friend.
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