Why We Choose The People We Love

by E-NewsCast Team
June 3rd, 2010

“Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”George Santayana“Why do I always wind up with the wrong person? I want someonewho is kind, loving, reliable and open. Yet my relationships arealways with men who are angry, hostile, emotionally unavailableand cannot keep a job.” “I want a woman who is emotionally stable and independent, but Ialways wind up with women who are overly dramatic, tend tohysteria and depend on me to make their decisions.”These are common problems brought to me by clients. They blamebad luck, coincidence or accident for winding up with the exactopposite of the type of person they say they prefer in arelationship. One very attractive female marketing manager in her mid thirtiesagonized – “If I went to a party and there were fifty men in theroom – and 49 were college graduates who were business orprofessional men – and the 50th was a high-school dropout with afelony police record – number 50 and I would somehow find eachother.”We make our relationship choices based on life experiencesaccumulated from childhood. We subconsciously integrate theseexperiences and react from them to current situations.Children’s psyches are like unwritten slates. The messages wereceive from our parents are stored upon them as if etched instone. We internalize these messages and accept them withoutquestion as we mature because in the child’s mind, mommy anddaddy – who are our ultimate authority figures – said it is so!When a little girl has a father who is physically present butemotionally absent and does not provide her with the love andnurturing she needs, she will grow up with a big empty space inher heart where that love should have been. The message -although unspoken – tells her that she is not important and notdeserving of love.This little girl will subconsciously seek a man with herfather’s rejecting characteristics – so she can relive herinitial relationship – and this time she will win. When a little boy grows up with a weak and dependent mother whoincreasingly leans on him in his father’s absence, he is put inan adult situation inappropriate to his years. Although inmanhood he states he resents female dependency, he is used totaking the role of rescuer and naturally will gravitate to womenwith emotional broken wings that need fixing. In our adult relationships, we seek to create situations inwhich we are comfortable – regardless of their dysfunctionality.If you grew up in a chaotic home, you will subconsciously tendto chaotic relationships. Our home environment, how we wereraised, is what we consider normal. Our adult relationships follow a pattern. A simple exercise willreveal that pattern to you. Write the names of all of the peoplewith whom you have had a significant relationship. Under eachname, list all the negative characteristics you can remember -for instance: bad temper, continually late for dates, poor moneymanager, etc. After you have completed your list, review the character traitsthat are shared by your dating partners. Circle or yellowhigh-lite these recurring traits and you will see the emergenceof a pattern. While discussing the concept of this article with a friend, shewas motivated to make the list and was uncomfortable with thefact that these traits stood out among her three past seriousrelationships: aggressive personality, alcoholism, and emotionalunavailability. I helped my friend work thru her feelings about this newrealization as I did with my clients. Awareness of the patternis the first step to changing it. Talking about it with atherapist or trusted friend is the next important step becauseyou are then exposing this destructive pattern to the light andcan carry this awareness with you when you begin your nextrelationship. Be assured – patterns are not etched in stone. They can bechanged with awareness and work.

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