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Emotional Infidelity: A Love Affair or Just Friends?
A common plea: But, we’re “just friends.” However the “emotionalconnection” is quite obvious by the amount of time spent incommunication and the “vibes” that are set off.
These emotional connections often arise at work or in a socialcontext in which working intensively toward a common goalconsumes energy.
Here are a few observations of the “just friends” emotional affair:
1. This person often struggles knowing where to draw the line.S/he often throws him/herself into something 100%. Other aspectsof his/her life may suffer or be ignored. There often is a lackof personal balance between family, work, self care.
2. He/she struggles with intimacy. (I want to be close tosomeone, but don’t like intimacy.) The “just friends” emotionalaffair means neither spouse nor OP (other person) ever get”intimate.” Neither relationship is fully consummated or haspotential for growth.
3. Of course the “just friends” comment means either “stay away”or I’m, underneath all this, really confused about where I fitin relationships, what I want from them, or what they mean tome. There is an “emotional connection” to the OP that defiesdescription. A sad kind of “stuckness or lostness.”
The lover or “falling in love” emotional affair has a differenttwist.
The common complaint to the partner is: “I feel badly aboutthis, and I don’t want to hurt you, but, I’m not “in love” withyou anymore. “I love you but I’m not in love.” This oftenindicates:
1. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Lifeeasily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-outof emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than livinglife from the core of who one is.
2. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for theideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her thathe/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
3. This person needs to be adored, or think another adoreshim/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solididentity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world.Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness.
4. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” inthe marriage relationship. The responsibility of raisingchildren, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc.become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreignword.
There are many many subtle differences in affairs. Emotionalaffairs are only one kind. Once you begin to see and understandthe differences, a new sense of empowerment overtakes you embarkon a more confident path of resolution.
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