Managing the Pain of Abusive Relationships

by E-NewsCast Team
May 17th, 2010

How many times have you said, “I didn’t have a choice?” This isa phrase that is uttered by many to justify their behavior orcomplain about their life circumstances. Surely, we can continueto believe there are no choices, but it is my belief that kindof thinking is what greatly contributes to our frustration andlimits the strength and amount of personal power we experience.Whenever you are in a situation where you believe there is “nochoice”, remember that there are always at least three choices.Every situation has at least these three possible solutions: youcan leave it, change it, or accept it. Each option will lookdifferent in every situation.Let’s examine the options of a woman in an abusive relationship.I am concerned that women in abusive relationships have no safeplace to seek help or to talk about their issues. There is anembarrassment about sharing what is happening in their lives. Anabuser will convince his victim that she is in some way to blamefor his abuse. This, often, will cause a person in an abusiverelationship to suffer in silence. I want to provide a safeplace forum for women needing to share and to learn that theyare not alone.I, in no way, mean to imply that there are no men living inabusive relationships. This can create a seriously demoralizingsituation for a man. How does a man explain to his friends thathis wife or girlfriend beats him up or is constantly verballyand emotionally abusive? I believe there are many more men insuch relationships than we think. Because they carry a specialstigma if they admit what is happening in their lives, most staysilent. There can also be domestic violence in same sexrelationships. However, for the purpose of this article, I amwriting as if the perpetrator is a male and the victim is afemale.The first choice in a situation such as this is to attempt tochange the situation. Many women will try to have everythingperfect for their spouse or partner. They walk around on eggshells, believing that if only they are better, more loving,more submissive, quieter, more invisible, then their man willnot hurt them. Many women in abusive relationships are willingto put in a lifetime attempting to change their partner’sbehavior. Of course this is a futile attempt because people donot change for someone else. They change when their currentbehavior stops working for them and sometimes not even then. Imight ask a woman, “How long are you willing to wait for him tochange? You’ve already spent 10 years, are you willing to spend10 more?” This is a question only the woman can answer becauseshe may be willing to wait her entire life. It is not for me oranyone else to decide what is best for another person. Afterall, we are not in her skin. We can only presume what we may doin the same situation but the right answer for us may not be theright answer for the person going through it.The second possible outcome is to leave it. In an abusiverelationship, this would mean ending the relationship. Manywomen in abusive relationships are afraid to leave because theybelieve their partner will hunt them down and possibly kill themor at least claim their “property” and force the woman toreturn. Statistics tell us that more women are killed in abusiverelationships who remain in the relationship than who leave buttell that to the family of the one woman who left and was killedby her husband. Statistics don’t do much then. Again, it is easyfor us to decide it would be best for a woman to leave hercurrent situation but do we really know what’s best for anotherperson? Do you want to be the one carrying that responsibility?Leaving is definitely a viable option but it should only be madeby the woman who is in the relationship. There are organizationsset up to help victims of domestic violence escape the violenceof their situation but the laws become very tricky when thereare children and custody situations involved. Some women staybecause they won’t leave their children. Many stay because theyare committed to their wedding vows that said, “In sickness andin health. Till death do us part.” No one can decide for anotherperson that she must forsake her vows if keeping them is herhighest value. I might ask a woman if she has considered all ofher options and thought of the consequences of each choice.Then, I would ask if she believes that leaving is the bestoption and is she willing to pay the possible consequences ofthat choice. Is paying the possible consequence of leavingpreferable to staying in the current situation? Is the riskworth it? For some, it definitely is.The final choice is to accept it. Accepting it is different fromthe other two options. In the first two choices, the woman ischanging external circumstances. When she is attempting tochange it, she is trying to change her partner’s behavior. Whenshe is leaving it, she is changing her circumstances. Butacceptance involves staying in the situation and understandingand accepting that the other person will not change and findinga way to be all right with that. The woman in an abusivesituation would decide that she is not going to leave andrealizes that her husband may never change but decides to stayanyway. This may, for some, actually be their best option. For those of us who love the woman in this situation, we havethe same three choices to go through. We can leave it—thiswould most likely mean ending our relationship with the womanbecause we can’t stand to see her in an abusive situation. Wecan attempt to change it by trying to convince her to leave theman. This is what many friends and family do and sometimes thewoman decides to leave you. She may decide she can’t live withyour disapproval, either stated outright or silently. Out ofloyalty to her partner, she may decide it’s not right to listento your statements against him anymore. What she needs is yoursupport, not judgments and coercion to get her to leave someoneshe may love. Or the third choice, we can accept it. This meanswe come to realize that this woman has her own life decisions tomake and that she will do the best she can with the choices thatare available to her. You will be her friend and support her andher decisions, realizing that you can’t change her or him, forthat matter. If you or someone you care about is involved in domesticviolence, please come to www.therelationshipcenter.biz. Thereare safe ways there to discuss the situation and some aref-r-e-e. Email Kim Olver at kim@therelationshipcenter.biz, enterher chat room during scheduled chat times, which are posted onher events calendar or call her at 708-957-6047.

Popularity: 2% [?]